Listening for Connections

Listening for Connection

What do you think is the most important aspect of a healthy relationship?  For me, communication is key – open, honest, authentic words spoken with kindness and, when listening, being attentive, respectful, empathetic and free of judgement.  This kind of ‘active listening’ is crucial in building connection, understanding and offering emotional support to the speaker.  Think about your best friend; the chances are, you find them to be a ‘good listener’.

However, according to research by Richard A Hunsaker, 75% of the time we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful, which makes it hard to building a deep, trusting relationship with the person talking to us.  So, what gets in the way of truly attentive listening?  Common blockers include:

1. We may have an agenda – wanting a certain outcome from the conversation, wanting approval, wanting the speaker to be a certain way, etc – which prevents us from taking what is the words, situation and feelings of the speaker.
2. We may want to be somewhere else, or get distracted by thoughts about the past or future.
3. We may pull away if we feel challenged by what is being said (e.g. if we disagree with the speaker or feel criticised by them) – reacting emotionally in this way can hijack our presence.
4. We may begin to judge the speaker, which makes it hard to listen with empathy.
5. We may perceive a power imbalance, feeling inferior if dominated by a ‘powerful’ person or disinterested if we perceive the speaker to be inferior.
6. We may feel anxious about not having ‘enough time’ to listen which limits the potential to understand and connect.
7. We may feel embarrassed if we don’t have something to say back, so we start planning our response, which stops us from being receptive.  We don’t listen to understand, we listen to reply.

Mindfulness can help us become aware of what is stopping us from listening.  Here are three simple steps to help us listen well:

1. Listen with the intention to understand and connect with the speaker.

2. Whilst listening to the speaker, notice any blockers in your own thoughts and feelings – Am I truly listening? Am I distracted?  What emotional reaction buttons are being pressed?
3. Hold a space for the speaker.  Be receptive, respectful and patient – do not interrupt or rush to respond with our own agenda – consider what they need from you and treat listening as a privilege.

Thich Naht Hahn (zen master) says that deep, compassionate listening can help relieve the suffering of another person, helping them to empty their heart.  Listening with understanding also bridges the gaps between us, helping to build loving, intimate, respectful relationships.  It is a skill that we can nurture through practice and, in turn, allows us to nurture others with our listening presence.

The next time your child, partner, friend or colleague wants to talk but you feel anxiety around being too busy for this ‘interruption’, try to notice your blockers and remind yourself why listening to this person is important to you: intimacy, connection, understanding, love, respect, presence, time, attention, supporting their needs.  Maybe repeat a self-coaching mantra to remind yourself, such as, “I’m here, I’m listening, I want to hear this person.”

Finally, a quote from the wonderful poet, Mark Nepo:

‘To listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.’

Calm Connections work with the whole family, offering a range of support to strengthen relationships and wellbeing, building connection through communication skills, mindfulness, compassionate understanding and other holistic techniques.  We can help reduce stress and anxiety, offering tools to build confidence, resilience and manage all aspects of life in a calmer, more harmonious and positive way.  Please contact us for details of our one-to-one family support services and upcoming family workshops.

Facebook:       @calmconnectionscic

Website:          calmconnections.org

Email:              info@calmconnections.org

Author: Jude Gidney - Editor

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