Listening

Can you remember when you were last really listened to? How did it feel?

Here’s 21 suggestions to help to improve your listening skills. Remember if you yourself aren’t feeling great, you can’t help from a cup half empty so be kind to yourself and acknowledge and be honest.

1. Express concern and desire to help
2. Ask about feelings and thoughts
3. Suspend judgment
4. Try to develop trust (provide an environment of warmth and acceptance)
5. Use the person’s name
6. Let the person know you are listening (attending behaviors):
7. Communicate undivided attention; avoid distractions such as jiggling or tapping
8. Nod to show you’ve heard them
9. Paraphrase or repeat the idea of person’s messages
10. Agree when you really do – not just to make the person like you
11. Repeat or summarize main ideas that the person you are talking to so they know they’ve your full attention and you understand them
12. Listen “between the lines” for the underlying “feeling” message
13. Empathize with and “reflect” their feelings (“I understand what you’re saying.” “I think I know what you’re feeling.” “I can understand that you’re feeling angry; It must be very frustrating.”)
14. Acknowledge concerns and fears, without supporting misperceptions
15. Discourage discussion of any delusion and focus on “here and now”
16. Problem-solve but only when you think the person is ready
17. Explore ways (options) for the person to have their needs met
18. Break down concerns into manageable problem-solving steps (non-judgmental, solution-oriented approach)
19. “Brainstorm” together
20. Try to provide a face-saving solution; explore acceptable compromises
21. Try to avoid
    • Argueing
    • Interrupting – spaces and quiet may mean the person is thinking
    • Scold or lecture
    • Offer false promises
    • Be overly logical and rational, or try to “fix” the problem before you thoroughly understand it
    • Trivialize the circumstances or feelings
    • Try to convince them of their irrationality
    • Overly challenge or confront

Author: Jude Gidney - Editor

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